Fighting Demons

I fought demons on the way to a sale this past weekend. Every last Saturday if the month a thrift store about 30 minutes from home, has a great sale, a bag sale, “everything in a bag for a buck!” (Actually now it’s $2.50) This bag sale used to be the only way I gathered merchandise for my Ebay business. I was a pro at time, cramming, folding and really really getting my dollars worth. I don’t go every month like I used to, but this month I had plans to go. My mother lives close to the store in question and it had been a few months since I had seen her. This provided even more motivation for me to go this particular month.

Somewhere in the past few years, I have become a nervous driver...almost to a phobic level. Driving at night is out of the question; the windshield is full of glare and no amount of glass cleaner helps. I often don’t get to where I am going because other drivers spook me. I get afraid to change lanes, pass cars and if the traffic gets real heavy, I get home by all the right turns I can find. I am the champion of going around the block instead of left hand turning.

I am afraid of all kinds of things. The road conditions, slipping off the side and hitting some pedestrians that I don’t see, cars changing lanes as I am going by, or opening their door into traffic. I am afraid of speeding and of going too slow, I am afraid of getting pulled over and afraid of breaking down in the middle of nowhere without help.

The vehicle I was driving that morning was not exactly a hunk of junk, but the driver’s door had just become damaged that week and was no longer able to close properly. You have to hold it closed, while you drive! Just roll the window down and hold your arm outside, it doesn’t look to other drivers as though anything is wrong, but it’s another brick on the worry cart.

As I began my journey a little bit before dawn, raindrops began to fall on the windshield. CRAP! I rolled up the window and clutched the door handle to keep the door from opening while driving. It was in a weird spot and it wasn’t long before my arm was cramping a bit. By the time I was four blocks from home the rain really began to pelt down on the windshield, wipers on fast speed and I was really beginning to get upset.

I engaged myself in mental conversation, like always, thinking about turning around and going home to be safe. But then I think,… I have to drive out of the storm if I keep going, after all, I thought to myself “I can’t possible call my mother and tell I can’t come because it’s raining!!”

I keep going, but then look down and notice I am only going 30 MPH,….geez what if someone comes up behind me????? What will I do then, I can’t possibly go the speed limit. I am mentally very busy and really stressing out at this point, ready to call it quits and still the sun was not fully up. I imagined a funeral with people being impressed about how loyally determined I was to see my mother and got killed for it! Wonderful honorable me! And my husband,…..so sorry he didn’t offer to drive me,…….and feeling blessed for having known me at all! All this before I driven 3 miles from home.

By the time I got to an inlet to the main road, the rain had slowed some, and it seemed I was indeed driving out from underneath it.

This was a 55 MPH road, and it was worse than the one before - even without the rain falling. It’s an official hurricane escape route. I have often heard that it’s a poor choice and now I was finding out why. Water gathers in two gullies right where your tires should be and to stay out of the water you have to drive on the mounds,…. if you get me. The left mound being almost in the opposite lane. So then, when someone comes from the other way you have to careen back down into the gullies, hoping to not hydroplane when you do. 55MPH yeah right!

This was really, really upsetting. My knuckles really really white on the wheel. My arm really really beginning to cramp while clinging to the door handle. I began to freak out anew, but what could I do? Past the point of no return on that road, I kept going.

At the first opportunity I took a different road, a safer road, one 2 and 3 lanes wide in one direction, with clear lanes and ways to go. It was the easiest, but not the quickest way to get there. I didn’t care I couldn’t handle that other road any longer. I felt it was the right decision and I would be on EASY Street!

WRONG!

My reward was construction. Lanes crossing, S curves, tight lanes, personal and construction vehicles REALLY REALLY close to the edge of the road. And workers walking close enough to the edge to imply an idiotic confidence in my driving ability.

Between the 30MPH session, and taking the long way around I was late in my scheduled time of arrival. I had planned to be there so early as to be first or second in the parking lot. I normally like to arrive even before the employees and park myself in a spot I can just pull out of when it’s time to leave. It’s a very snug lot and it gets crowded during these sales. More than a couple accidents have occurred over the years on sale day.

This day the lot was almost full when I arrived and the waiting line was being let in. The store just opened. Happily there were a couple choice spots left in the grass,…maybe not choice for some, but I have a Jeep Cherokee. When I turned off the engine and removed the key, I let go of the door handle and all the blood rushed back into my relieved body. I was so grateful to be there I almost wept. I was really racked and it even affected my ability to shop. I felt out of place and kind of like the “I just woke up in the middle of class” dream.

I eventually got out of the funk, got some stuff I needed, and the day was lived just like any other. I saw my mother and was happy to not have turned around and chickened out. I told her of the demons I battled, but am not sure if she really understood.
So the moral of the story is,…the next time you are driving and some ‘dumb’ woman, or man,… is going EXACTLY the speed limit in the left lane, or is hunched over the steering wheel in the rain and has lights flashing at 30 MPH, please think better of them than you might have before. They might be having a really really SUCKY time.